Online Coaching Sessions
I always start with an agreement to be honest. I don’t mean brutally honest so much as bringing what’s real into the room. For this to be possible I am completely non-judgmental … something I find quite easy looking back over my own life.
We need to put the present into context with some history - your childhood and your parents’ relationship and more specifically, your own sexual story. It also helps to know your current physical and mental health and any medications and their side effects.
Then, we talk about your goals, both short-term and long-term. Most people will have a short-term goal to do with the issue that is uppermost in their minds. However, their long-term goal will be more about who and how they want to be sexually. Both are important. Our sexuality is core to our sense of being. However, how we express ourselves can be as uniquely creative as we are uniquely individual.
Each session is defined by what comes up as well as things I may have prepared. I try to do what I call Adult Sex Education, because we are so poorly resourced by the education system. We will cover relationship styles and skills, if appropriate, so that we focus on all the issues that really need addressing. Body and mind are inseparable, and working with one affects the other. This is especially true of trauma.
Trauma can be a big event or a series of accumulating incidents that reach a traumatic tipping point, like the straw that breaks the camel’s back. The result is we find our past living in the present.
Becoming aware of it and processing it allows us to choose a new way of being that is more energetically vibrant because there is more of ourselves present in the moment.
As an example:
Carol and John (two totally fictitious composite clients!) had both been traumatised in their childhoods. They had been in many relationships and had met later in life. They loved each other but were not getting on well in the bedroom. Neither wanted to jeopardise the relationship, and both accepted that they brought their own baggage to the partnership.
After covering their personal and relationship history, we agreed that I would work with Carol and a female colleague would work with John.
As part of the consent and boundaries teaching, I ask about preferred greetings. She loved hugs but couldn’t easily relax with ‘another man’. Her conservative religious family background turned out to be the voice of shame on many issues about sex and relationships. At the beginning of each session, she was able to progressively relax into a fully clothed hug and feel the nurture and connection in her body.
It was hugely significant that our sessions were time for her and her alone. We stopped whenever she felt triggered and focused on the here and now. Carol learnt how to let the emotions role as they needed or be calmed through grounding exercises.
In time, we progressed onto massages involving more nakedness that enabled her to feel more pleasure and become more confident. A ritual called Unveiling the Goddess triggered a deep release of sadness and sorrow in her as she connected with her mother and grandmother and the inter-generational repression and abuse in the family.
She began to see herself in a new light and feel more of what her body wanted and how it naturally responded to touch. She became playful and free of shame. This fed into her relationship with John and changed the stereotypical dynamic of male and female roles they had been playing. As the result of our work together, they were more truly themselves with each other and much more patient and creative.
When clients get the information they are missing and the experience of being where they feel comfortable with themselves, they don’t need me anymore.
For many of my clients, online sessions with homework each week is enough to bring them to that place where they can move on themselves. For others, it is a good preparation for meeting in person.
If you have an issue that you feel would benefit from sharing with me and possibly working on together, then contact me on 07933 709 169 now for a free introductory call.